There is no way to fully prepare for the loss of someone that you love. When my 42-year-old brother died suddenly after a very brief illness, I found myself thrown into a new and heartbreaking reality. People often say, "Let me know what I can do," but the truth is, when you're grieving, you don't know what you need. Decision overload becomes all too real. During that first week, I did notice that there were some practical tangible and thoughtful gestures that made my family feel seen and loved by those around us and that made all the difference. If you've never experienced loss before, these things might help you relate to someone you love that's walking through it.
What Really Helped After Losing a Loved One: Practical Tips for Support During Grief
Tangible Support Beats Open Ended Offers
I'm guilty of this. Until I joined the dead siblings club, I didn't know that simply by saying "Let me know how I can help" actually puts the burden on the grieving person. It's well-intentioned but not helpful. They simply DO NOT have the energy to help you help them.
Saying this again for those in the back...people who are grieving do not have the energy to help you help me.
Instead, take action in specific ways that help to ease the burden.
Here are a few things that stood out to me during that first week of loss:
Coffee Gift Cards: Even if the grieving person doesn't drink coffee, chances are their home is full of family or friends who do. Coffee shops offer more than just coffee and going to one not only forces a person out of their house {if they want that!}, but provides a momentary escape from the heaviness of loss. A coffee gift card requires no decision-making and can be a lifeline in an otherwise chaotic day. Starbucks actually makes them really easy to send too!
Amazon makes it easy to purchase gift cards too. You can tuck them into a card and send it to the recipient.
Meals Delivered: I have participated in so many meal trails! But now I understand their true value. Grieving people don't want to think about food, yet everyone still needs to eat. Dropping off a meal, ideally in fully disposable containers that don't need returned, is a gift that nourishes the body and the soul. Better yet, send along a Door Dash or Uber Eats gift card.
Schedule a Massage: Grief isn't just emotional; it's physical too. I was surprised at how much my body ached from tension and sadness. Someone scheduling and paying for a massage gave me not just relief but also something to look forward to. It was the first time I felt a little peace during an otherwise unbearable week.
Do the Things So They Don't Have To
Grief is exhausting, and simple tasks can feel monumental. If you want to support someone who's grieving, don't ask what they need, just take the initiative. Here are a few actionable ways to help:
Provide Resources: Share phone numbers for therapists, nanny services, or meal delivery options. Make it easy for the grieving person to access support.
Organize Playdates: If there are children involved, arranging playdates or offering childcare can provide much-needed relief.
Take Over Household Tasks: Send over a housecleaner, do the laundry, or run errands. Gift hours of your time for service and tell them when you will be over.
Help Create a Supportive Environment
Grieving often means a revolving door of visitors, phone calls, and well-meaning outreach. While this support is invaluable, it can also be overwhelming. Here's how you can help create a space that nurtures rather than drains:
Coordinate Communication: Volunteer to be the point person for calls and texts so that you can update others about arrangements or the status of the situation. This helps the grieving person offload some of the emotional labor.
Stock Essentials: Drop off groceries, paper goods, or toiletries. Bring over a bag full of snacks, stock the refrigerator. Do it even if it's not asked.
Respect Their Space: Know when to step back and let the grieving person have space to rest and reflect. Just adding in a text the phrase "there's no need for you to respond..." helps.
Offer Immediate and Long-Term Support
Grief doesn't end after the first week, and it's essential to continue offering help in the months that follow.
Remember important dates like anniversaries or holidays, and know that grief may resurface. Check in on them.
Invite the grieving person out on a walk, to coffee, or to dinner to gently reconnect and check in on them.
Check in regularly without expecting anything in return.
Don't quit on them! Grief takes on all forms, and what someone needs one week, might be totally different another week. If they decline your offer to meet up, don't stop trying!
Be Present Without Needing to Fix Anything
One of the hardest but most valuable things you can do is simply be there. You don’t need to offer advice or try to “fix” the situation—grief isn’t something that can be solved. Just listening, sitting quietly, or sharing memories can be a source of comfort.
Remember that the grieving person wants to talk about the person that they lost! You avoiding it doesn't mean that you will all of a sudden trigger some grief spiral just by asking the person about it. I've noticed a lot of people walking on eggshells as a way to protect me, and I can tell you, it doesn't change what they are going through by avoiding the topic!
Self-Care for the Grieving Person
Grief takes a toll on both mind and body, and self-care often falls by the wayside as people start to pick up the pieces. Here are ways that you can gently encourage or support self-care for someone who is grieving:
Encourage Rest: Bring over cozy blankets, sleep masks, or calming teas to help with disrupted sleep. Bring over supplies or send them a box of self-care goodies. I can count on one hand the number of times I put on hard pants in the past six weeks. Don't underestimate the power of a comfy pajama set or sweat suit.
Get Them Moving: Suggest a gentle walk or yoga, but understand if that's not where they are at too. And keep asking!
Facilitate Therapy: If the grieving person expresses interest, help them find a therapist or grief counselor. Just finding one can be overwhelming!
Embrace Their New Normal
When someone close to you dies, life changes forever. The grieving process isn’t linear, and it’s essential to support your loved one as they navigate this new reality. Be patient, compassionate, and willing to walk beside them—no matter how long it takes.
Grieving is a deeply personal experience, but tangible acts of kindness can help ease the burden. Whether it’s delivering a meal, scheduling a massage, or simply being present, these small gestures remind the grieving person that they are not alone.
If you’re navigating loss yourself, I hope you’ll find solace in these suggestions and give yourself permission to accept help when it’s offered. Grief is heavy, but with the right support, you don’t have to carry it alone.
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